After the disastrous no look at Berrington I decided to drop the respite issue when we go away in May, until after Christmas but one Monday afternoon she brought it up saying she was going to write to David to ask him to book her into a nursing home. Of course I couldn't just let that pass so I said" There are plenty of good nursing homes here" to which I got the usual tirade "I am not going into a nursing home" Followed by my retort "Well you will have to when we go away" These conversations are usually followed by a period of misery and sulking but next morning we start afresh and it is forgotten.
Confrontations over most things ceased for awhile. Preoccupation with Christmas , difficulties getting her cards done ,telling me not to interfere were resolved by Bob helping her very patiently .Then we had the visit of the boys and Fiona which diluted conflicts. I was too busy doing meals etc to rise to any baits. It was a very enjoyable visit and I am sure she very much enjoyed seeing her great grandsons now 15 ,13 and 11 and her eldest grandchild Fiona. She was adamant she wanted to give them all Christmas gifts and I duly organised that for her.
After they went she started wanting to give me my cheque. She has been in control of her finances since my father died and very well she has done it too. So now she wants to give me my monthly cheque towards her food accommodation and care. I don't need a cheque because I do it on the Internet anyway. However I let her go through the motions so she still feels in control. So again in the car she says she will give me my cheque so I reply "It goes towards your food" to which she says "All you get is a dollop of potato or a plate of spaghetti!" true that is what we had had left over from our visitors the previous night. "Well the meals would be much better in Berrington" I said. "I'm not going there it's a prison where they put murderers" Oh dear. "We'll you will have to go somewhere when we go away" "Well I think they want me to look after the house" "I don't think so " "Oh yes That is what the other girl said, You know the other girl " that can only be me in her mind but then she adds " The fat girl!" Oh dear. I'm not thin and clock in at 72 kgms, but not fat either.
I have decided that after Christmas I am going to say " Well on April 22nd you are going into respite for five weeks. You can come and look at the places first or you can trust me to choose the nicest place for you, or you can remain angry and uncompliant for the next three months making me angry and spoiling our relationship and having a miserable time. You are now 101 and I have looked after you for two years and I need a holiday.
Wednesday 18 December 2013
Thursday 21 November 2013
8. 100th Birthday
March 1st 2013 was the date of the birthday. I completed all the necessary forms from the Premiers office backed by a copy of the birth certificate and we were set.
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I planned some musical items sung by Mary Harris's group and then afternoon tea on the Friday afternoon and then Saturday we were going out for a family lunch at our favourite restaurant for family celebrations Matilda Bay. There were only a couple of Mum's generation there Alma Harris and Marshall, Laurie and Joyce were only in their eighties! Anyway a nice afternoon was had by all. What made it special for us all was Fiona coming over from Sydney.
If I had have thought that after she turned 100 Mum would have been happy to go into respite how wrong I was! Mum did enjoy the celebrations but still her rumblings of euthanasia erupted from time to time. We could not get through to her that it was illegal and never going to happen and then I got berated for taking her pills away from her.
Wednesdays continued . She did look forward to them. "Are we going to town" she would say. Town used to be Liverpool or Southport 40 years ago but now is anywhere with shops and a café. I have been taking her out for lunch on Wednesday every week for 30 years since my father died. Tuesday won't do,neither will Thursday so it has to be Wednesday. So we embark on the big effort on both our parts of getting into the car."
Last night somebody was very abusive about me getting up too early" she says. We have most of our important conversations in the car. "That was me " I said "You were knocking on the door asking for breakfast at 5 oclock" "well there is no need for it to be an issue" she says. "Well it is an issue because I wont be able to continue looking after you if you do it too often. " Oh you are just looking for excuses " she says. She is adamant that she is not going into a nursing home . On the other hand I feel the time is fast approaching for me if not for her.
When the luxurious Berrington opened I was keen for her to have a look at it but no go. It looks like a prison was her comment. Anyway she is booked in for next year when she will be 101 and we are booked to go to Italy for three weeks. Bob mentioned it at tea and she seemed more receptive than usual but the next day said she would not need to go because she was leaving! Knowing full well what she meant, the euthanasia thought again, I asked "Where was she was going? But she side stepped the reply!
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I planned some musical items sung by Mary Harris's group and then afternoon tea on the Friday afternoon and then Saturday we were going out for a family lunch at our favourite restaurant for family celebrations Matilda Bay. There were only a couple of Mum's generation there Alma Harris and Marshall, Laurie and Joyce were only in their eighties! Anyway a nice afternoon was had by all. What made it special for us all was Fiona coming over from Sydney.
If I had have thought that after she turned 100 Mum would have been happy to go into respite how wrong I was! Mum did enjoy the celebrations but still her rumblings of euthanasia erupted from time to time. We could not get through to her that it was illegal and never going to happen and then I got berated for taking her pills away from her.
Wednesdays continued . She did look forward to them. "Are we going to town" she would say. Town used to be Liverpool or Southport 40 years ago but now is anywhere with shops and a café. I have been taking her out for lunch on Wednesday every week for 30 years since my father died. Tuesday won't do,neither will Thursday so it has to be Wednesday. So we embark on the big effort on both our parts of getting into the car."
Last night somebody was very abusive about me getting up too early" she says. We have most of our important conversations in the car. "That was me " I said "You were knocking on the door asking for breakfast at 5 oclock" "well there is no need for it to be an issue" she says. "Well it is an issue because I wont be able to continue looking after you if you do it too often. " Oh you are just looking for excuses " she says. She is adamant that she is not going into a nursing home . On the other hand I feel the time is fast approaching for me if not for her.
When the luxurious Berrington opened I was keen for her to have a look at it but no go. It looks like a prison was her comment. Anyway she is booked in for next year when she will be 101 and we are booked to go to Italy for three weeks. Bob mentioned it at tea and she seemed more receptive than usual but the next day said she would not need to go because she was leaving! Knowing full well what she meant, the euthanasia thought again, I asked "Where was she was going? But she side stepped the reply!
Monday 23 September 2013
7. The fractured hip
December 2011 had been a good time as David was able to visit for a week, He stayed with me and we kept the programme fairly simple just doing the things that Mum was familiar with, Garden City, lunch at Miss Mauds, Madisons at Claremont and then a Christmas lunch at Matilda Bay. It was a good time. David went on to N.S.W for a conference
March 1st 2012 we celebrated Mum's birthday at The Red Herring and had a nice lunch. Our routine continued lunch and shopping on Wednesday plus a visit on Monday afternoon and Saturday afternoon. She still had a lot of time to put in on her own. Bob had noted that Mum had lost quite a lot of weight and I had noted she wasn't managing the T.V channels all that well so we did feel she was only just coping. At the end of March after a Wednesday visit I got a call from a workman working on the pool next door that he had heard her calling out and she had fallen at the rubbish bin. The fractured hip had happened.
Of course hospital emergency room and then operation although that didn't happen until Saturday morning so the two days waiting for it were fairly unpleasant for all. She had been seen by a geriatrician. Never having been a compliant patient this did not change and she could be very resistant to people doing things to her so on the day of the op I was called to theatre to sit with her until she went under and again until she came around.I told the anaesthetist that it was along time since I had been in theatre. "Were thay using ether then?" he joked.
After two days she was transferred to Kaleeya where she managed to stay for about a week demanding at the top of her voice, there were difficulties with her hearing aid, to go home.It was very trying for all especially the people who shared the four bed room with her. While this was going on we had a visit from John and Maggie Breese her brother's son and his wife who made a big effort to visit her and were amazed at how well she was doing.
Well she was eventually discharged home to our care with a good programme in place to help with transition. Hospital in the home it was called and was very good. So she made progress. Just as she was at the eight week mark she fell in the bedroom and broke the other hip so we had to go through it all again. She was markedly disorientated in hospital trying to climb out of bed so they sedated her resulting in her sleeping the whole of one day. She was demanding to come home. "How far does she have to be able to walk?" the charge nurse asked ."Well at least as far as the toilet"I replied. "We will do a test" they said "Is that far enough?" "yes" I replied . So her discharge was arranged within two hours, admittedly with good help with showers and physio at home.
Having broken her second hip I did not feel there was any possibility of her managing on her own and she realised her house had be sold and this we accomplished fairly quickly. Mostly she was very little trouble but she did have the occasional hissy fit that I became more adept at managing. I just did not listen to her euthanasia rantings and I stopped showing her her bank accounts as she was not understanding them.
Holidays for me are of course essential. The first we booked in October 2012, a visit to Brisbane to view the Masterpieces from The Prado exhibition followed by the bridge week at Noosa which was great fun. I also did a lovely trip to Edmundi and The Glass house Mountains and Montville. Home Instead did a holiday roster 24hrs 7 days a week . The total cost of care for Mum was $8500 which of course she could afford . "It was hell" says Olwen on my return and didn't speak to me all day on my first day back, sitting and sulking all day. I did hope on the next holiday she would accept residential care, she didn't, but thanks to Don holding the fort at night it was abit cheaper so five weeks after her hundredth birthday we had a ten day holiday in Japan. Not covering night duty made it a lot cheaper but Don found it quite demanding
March 1st 2012 we celebrated Mum's birthday at The Red Herring and had a nice lunch. Our routine continued lunch and shopping on Wednesday plus a visit on Monday afternoon and Saturday afternoon. She still had a lot of time to put in on her own. Bob had noted that Mum had lost quite a lot of weight and I had noted she wasn't managing the T.V channels all that well so we did feel she was only just coping. At the end of March after a Wednesday visit I got a call from a workman working on the pool next door that he had heard her calling out and she had fallen at the rubbish bin. The fractured hip had happened.
Of course hospital emergency room and then operation although that didn't happen until Saturday morning so the two days waiting for it were fairly unpleasant for all. She had been seen by a geriatrician. Never having been a compliant patient this did not change and she could be very resistant to people doing things to her so on the day of the op I was called to theatre to sit with her until she went under and again until she came around.I told the anaesthetist that it was along time since I had been in theatre. "Were thay using ether then?" he joked.
After two days she was transferred to Kaleeya where she managed to stay for about a week demanding at the top of her voice, there were difficulties with her hearing aid, to go home.It was very trying for all especially the people who shared the four bed room with her. While this was going on we had a visit from John and Maggie Breese her brother's son and his wife who made a big effort to visit her and were amazed at how well she was doing.
Well she was eventually discharged home to our care with a good programme in place to help with transition. Hospital in the home it was called and was very good. So she made progress. Just as she was at the eight week mark she fell in the bedroom and broke the other hip so we had to go through it all again. She was markedly disorientated in hospital trying to climb out of bed so they sedated her resulting in her sleeping the whole of one day. She was demanding to come home. "How far does she have to be able to walk?" the charge nurse asked ."Well at least as far as the toilet"I replied. "We will do a test" they said "Is that far enough?" "yes" I replied . So her discharge was arranged within two hours, admittedly with good help with showers and physio at home.
Having broken her second hip I did not feel there was any possibility of her managing on her own and she realised her house had be sold and this we accomplished fairly quickly. Mostly she was very little trouble but she did have the occasional hissy fit that I became more adept at managing. I just did not listen to her euthanasia rantings and I stopped showing her her bank accounts as she was not understanding them.
Holidays for me are of course essential. The first we booked in October 2012, a visit to Brisbane to view the Masterpieces from The Prado exhibition followed by the bridge week at Noosa which was great fun. I also did a lovely trip to Edmundi and The Glass house Mountains and Montville. Home Instead did a holiday roster 24hrs 7 days a week . The total cost of care for Mum was $8500 which of course she could afford . "It was hell" says Olwen on my return and didn't speak to me all day on my first day back, sitting and sulking all day. I did hope on the next holiday she would accept residential care, she didn't, but thanks to Don holding the fort at night it was abit cheaper so five weeks after her hundredth birthday we had a ten day holiday in Japan. Not covering night duty made it a lot cheaper but Don found it quite demanding
Friday 20 September 2013
6. The good years, trips to U.k
After the 1980 trip I felt there were things I hadn't managed to do like getting to Lands End so in 1983 I set out again with Ian and Robert and Mum. Also I needed the break from the situation with Bob's mother.At that stage Mum thought that the solution to her problems was a second marriage encouraged by her brother who had had good luck with a dating agency and married for the second time after he was widowed. She had made this male acquaintance at Exmouth so we had to look him up. Anyway I wanted to make Lands End so after arriving at Heathrow we set off Salisbury Broadlands, Exeter , Exmouth,were we sadly found the gentleman concerned was deceased!
On to Penzance were Ian made the comment as to why did everyone walk round with their hands in their pockets. "Its because it's cold" I replied. Mum was not easy wanting to stay in her beloved Trust houses, expensive, whereas I had to watch my budget. We had a Devonshire cream tea in Clovelly where Ian lost his pocket money, then visited Alan's granny getting caught behind a herd of cows which we all thought was very funny. Then Uncle David and Doreen at Craven Arms, nr Shrewsbury. Doreen baked the most fantastic gooseberry pie and David was very generous to Robert and Ian which made up for the loss at Clovelly.
The trip in North Wales was marked by Robert calling Nana an old bag! I guess he was finding her abit of a trial. We had lunch with Aunty Rhoda on the prom at Rhos nr Colwyn Bay then Liverpool and Ilkley and I guess that was it. Mum may have gone on to Oakham.
1988 I embarked on my first solo visit to U.K? I guess the family were more independent but I would have left someone in charge of domestic arrangements at home for meals etc. Bob was still in a very busy job. The purpose of the visit was to attend M.T.G.S centenary celebration and it also coincided with George and Rhians 40th wedding anniversary. I had been a bridesmaid at their wedding,and I was also going to visit David and Lindsay in Oakham just for a day, from Sheffield.
Anyway I really enjoyed it, discovering that there were advantages travelling on your own. You could do what you wanted. I even went to a London show on my own Cats and sat next to a Canadian guy. I stayed in the Regent Palace Hotel, a budget hotel but so convenient, situated just off Picadilly Circus, beautiful Art Deco decoration but old and rickety lifts and no en suite bathrooms which in those days didn't bother me at all as I did not have to get up at night to use the bathroom. It remained a favourite of mine because it was such good value and was in such a convenient position.
I had a Britrail pass again something that has remained a favourite because again it was such good value. Reading my diary and looking at my scrapbook I am amazed at what I managed to fit in. Meeting up with Mimi and Margaret Pottinger in London, Rail to Edinburgh staying with Lucille and Donald , York, Viking exhibition, Ilkley, Sheffield, Dinner at The Peacock for George and Rhian's anniversary ,Oakham, a nice meet up with David not discussing difficulties with mother, then car hire , Sandringham, Wales Vera, Devils Bridge, Southport, meeting Sheila and Alison again, a great school reunion and Lake district Lorna . It was truly amazing finishing at Manchester for the plane home.
I think my next trip was in 1991. Bob had been funded to go to an amputee conference in Dundee so first we decided to do a Western Isles cruise to my beloved Skye. Don had been in Japan and met us in Glasgow, that is all really part of another story but he joined us although couldn't come on the cruise, he climbed Ben Nevis instead! At the end of that trip I picked up Mum in Cambridge, she must have stayed with David and we travelled to Wales to see her sister at Machynlleth. She always liked to stay at The Wynstay in the main street and always booked dinner bed and breakfast and always paid for us to have single rooms which meant I could stay up late watching T.V and reading.
We took Vera and Idris to Aberystwyth , visited Llandre and the lovely old church yard with the celtic crosses. Mum liked to have her coffee and lunch at nice restaurants whereas Vera and Idris were happy with the station café! They were a lot like Hyacinth and her sister and husband, a programme that we all loved.
Next to the hotel was the lovely china shop run by the bachelor Welshman, Mum flirted outrageously with him. He did have the most beautiful stock of china but had no idea how to display it and it was all wrapped in newspaper half in and half out of its boxes. She did buy there the Herand ducks which I love. We visited that shop on every visit to Machynnlleth. I also liked the second hand book shop, and Ann's fashion shop which sold nice jumpers etc and of course I've still got them
One day we motored to Bala to meet up with Maimie and Harold. Maimie was Mum's cousin and a good friend to us all. I loved her dearly , she was younger than Mum by about ten years and always understood how difficult Mum could be? Then a visit to Welshpool to meet up with David and Annette finishing with afternoon tea at the Welsh wool shop at Dinas Mawddwy. The next day we did Newtown and Powys Castle which Idris had never been into despite living so near.
Another day we explored Corris now home of a craft centre but the place where Mum had spent her childhood holidays with her cousins Hollis and Irene. A more bleak place you could not find. It was situated in a valley between slate coloured hills which had been partly mined with piles of tailings everywhere and it was usually raining. When in Corris I was usually entertained with the story of when Mum and Irene let the pig out of its stye when they were little girls on their annual summer holiday. Of course the pig took off through the village having a grand time!
These holidays in mid Wales were very enjoyable , the country side is beautiful and they would be the best of times I spent with my mother. All the places we visited I love, the lovely views of Cader Idris, from various angles, perhaps because they bring back memories of my childhood. Mid Wales is very under rated
In 1993 Fiona had been working in Vienna so mum and I did a trip to Wales ending up in Cambridge for Mum to stay with David while I had a four day trip to Vienna to see Fiona who then came back with me and we did a little east coast tour Ely, Boston,Lincoln, Burghley, Southwold. Mum abit difficult on this trip ,no trust houses to stay and I know I spent one night sharing a room with Hans who had joined us and Fiona. However we did have a lovely family meal at The Crown Hotel Southwold, Mum was always generous in her entertaining. We then went to London and Fiona and Hans left us and we followed a couple of days later.I had a couple of nights in London, not one of Mums favourite places but I remember it as a nice trip. On each trip I tried to do something new and on my list, that time it was the Victorian and Albert. Mum had no interest whatsoever sitting in the coffee shop. How different it would have been with Dad.
The next trip was 1995 for an Edinburgh reunion. Ian accompanied us on this trip. Our first stop was Oxford Blenheim then Warwick castle, Penrith, Gretna Green , Oban, Perth, Edinburgh Peebles and then I think Mum saw David and family while Ian and I had four nights in Paris while Mum saw the family in Cambridge.
Next we did a trip back for Vera's 90th birthday, only a two week one this time. I did not have a lot of time to spare, Vera Mum's sister was bedridden by then with carers coming in three times a day. We thought they were lovely girls and that Vera and Idris looked better than they ever had been, foodwise and Idris even had some new clothes and their house was much cleaner. However when Vera died a couple of years later it materialised that they had been milking their accounts. It was a happy visit although Vera was mostly away with the fairies telling us she had been out with mother having a picnic on the prom at Aberystwyth.
Our next trip did not involve Wales. Mum was 94 truly remarkable to undertake such a long trip at this age but she coped well. Anna and her partner Simon had had a little boy Finlay George so Mum was introduced to her fourth great grandchild. Lindsay and David entertained us at Southwold and found lovely accommodation for us near them at a local pub. As usual we had some nice meals and David took us on a lovely tour of old Suffolk churches which were remarkable. Then we went up to Liverpool to see Maimie who was not at all well at this stage mainly heart and kidney failure. However we had a nice meal with her at Millcroft road and then took her out for a meal at our hotel Speke Marriot after I had taken her a drive to Ottespool Prom. I had just time to send her the photos we had taken before she died a week or two after we got home
On to Penzance were Ian made the comment as to why did everyone walk round with their hands in their pockets. "Its because it's cold" I replied. Mum was not easy wanting to stay in her beloved Trust houses, expensive, whereas I had to watch my budget. We had a Devonshire cream tea in Clovelly where Ian lost his pocket money, then visited Alan's granny getting caught behind a herd of cows which we all thought was very funny. Then Uncle David and Doreen at Craven Arms, nr Shrewsbury. Doreen baked the most fantastic gooseberry pie and David was very generous to Robert and Ian which made up for the loss at Clovelly.
The trip in North Wales was marked by Robert calling Nana an old bag! I guess he was finding her abit of a trial. We had lunch with Aunty Rhoda on the prom at Rhos nr Colwyn Bay then Liverpool and Ilkley and I guess that was it. Mum may have gone on to Oakham.
1988 I embarked on my first solo visit to U.K? I guess the family were more independent but I would have left someone in charge of domestic arrangements at home for meals etc. Bob was still in a very busy job. The purpose of the visit was to attend M.T.G.S centenary celebration and it also coincided with George and Rhians 40th wedding anniversary. I had been a bridesmaid at their wedding,and I was also going to visit David and Lindsay in Oakham just for a day, from Sheffield.
Anyway I really enjoyed it, discovering that there were advantages travelling on your own. You could do what you wanted. I even went to a London show on my own Cats and sat next to a Canadian guy. I stayed in the Regent Palace Hotel, a budget hotel but so convenient, situated just off Picadilly Circus, beautiful Art Deco decoration but old and rickety lifts and no en suite bathrooms which in those days didn't bother me at all as I did not have to get up at night to use the bathroom. It remained a favourite of mine because it was such good value and was in such a convenient position.
I had a Britrail pass again something that has remained a favourite because again it was such good value. Reading my diary and looking at my scrapbook I am amazed at what I managed to fit in. Meeting up with Mimi and Margaret Pottinger in London, Rail to Edinburgh staying with Lucille and Donald , York, Viking exhibition, Ilkley, Sheffield, Dinner at The Peacock for George and Rhian's anniversary ,Oakham, a nice meet up with David not discussing difficulties with mother, then car hire , Sandringham, Wales Vera, Devils Bridge, Southport, meeting Sheila and Alison again, a great school reunion and Lake district Lorna . It was truly amazing finishing at Manchester for the plane home.
I think my next trip was in 1991. Bob had been funded to go to an amputee conference in Dundee so first we decided to do a Western Isles cruise to my beloved Skye. Don had been in Japan and met us in Glasgow, that is all really part of another story but he joined us although couldn't come on the cruise, he climbed Ben Nevis instead! At the end of that trip I picked up Mum in Cambridge, she must have stayed with David and we travelled to Wales to see her sister at Machynlleth. She always liked to stay at The Wynstay in the main street and always booked dinner bed and breakfast and always paid for us to have single rooms which meant I could stay up late watching T.V and reading.
We took Vera and Idris to Aberystwyth , visited Llandre and the lovely old church yard with the celtic crosses. Mum liked to have her coffee and lunch at nice restaurants whereas Vera and Idris were happy with the station café! They were a lot like Hyacinth and her sister and husband, a programme that we all loved.
Next to the hotel was the lovely china shop run by the bachelor Welshman, Mum flirted outrageously with him. He did have the most beautiful stock of china but had no idea how to display it and it was all wrapped in newspaper half in and half out of its boxes. She did buy there the Herand ducks which I love. We visited that shop on every visit to Machynnlleth. I also liked the second hand book shop, and Ann's fashion shop which sold nice jumpers etc and of course I've still got them
 |
| The Coffee shop at the Woollen Mill |
One day we motored to Bala to meet up with Maimie and Harold. Maimie was Mum's cousin and a good friend to us all. I loved her dearly , she was younger than Mum by about ten years and always understood how difficult Mum could be? Then a visit to Welshpool to meet up with David and Annette finishing with afternoon tea at the Welsh wool shop at Dinas Mawddwy. The next day we did Newtown and Powys Castle which Idris had never been into despite living so near.
Another day we explored Corris now home of a craft centre but the place where Mum had spent her childhood holidays with her cousins Hollis and Irene. A more bleak place you could not find. It was situated in a valley between slate coloured hills which had been partly mined with piles of tailings everywhere and it was usually raining. When in Corris I was usually entertained with the story of when Mum and Irene let the pig out of its stye when they were little girls on their annual summer holiday. Of course the pig took off through the village having a grand time!
These holidays in mid Wales were very enjoyable , the country side is beautiful and they would be the best of times I spent with my mother. All the places we visited I love, the lovely views of Cader Idris, from various angles, perhaps because they bring back memories of my childhood. Mid Wales is very under rated
In 1993 Fiona had been working in Vienna so mum and I did a trip to Wales ending up in Cambridge for Mum to stay with David while I had a four day trip to Vienna to see Fiona who then came back with me and we did a little east coast tour Ely, Boston,Lincoln, Burghley, Southwold. Mum abit difficult on this trip ,no trust houses to stay and I know I spent one night sharing a room with Hans who had joined us and Fiona. However we did have a lovely family meal at The Crown Hotel Southwold, Mum was always generous in her entertaining. We then went to London and Fiona and Hans left us and we followed a couple of days later.I had a couple of nights in London, not one of Mums favourite places but I remember it as a nice trip. On each trip I tried to do something new and on my list, that time it was the Victorian and Albert. Mum had no interest whatsoever sitting in the coffee shop. How different it would have been with Dad.
The next trip was 1995 for an Edinburgh reunion. Ian accompanied us on this trip. Our first stop was Oxford Blenheim then Warwick castle, Penrith, Gretna Green , Oban, Perth, Edinburgh Peebles and then I think Mum saw David and family while Ian and I had four nights in Paris while Mum saw the family in Cambridge.
Next we did a trip back for Vera's 90th birthday, only a two week one this time. I did not have a lot of time to spare, Vera Mum's sister was bedridden by then with carers coming in three times a day. We thought they were lovely girls and that Vera and Idris looked better than they ever had been, foodwise and Idris even had some new clothes and their house was much cleaner. However when Vera died a couple of years later it materialised that they had been milking their accounts. It was a happy visit although Vera was mostly away with the fairies telling us she had been out with mother having a picnic on the prom at Aberystwyth.
Our next trip did not involve Wales. Mum was 94 truly remarkable to undertake such a long trip at this age but she coped well. Anna and her partner Simon had had a little boy Finlay George so Mum was introduced to her fourth great grandchild. Lindsay and David entertained us at Southwold and found lovely accommodation for us near them at a local pub. As usual we had some nice meals and David took us on a lovely tour of old Suffolk churches which were remarkable. Then we went up to Liverpool to see Maimie who was not at all well at this stage mainly heart and kidney failure. However we had a nice meal with her at Millcroft road and then took her out for a meal at our hotel Speke Marriot after I had taken her a drive to Ottespool Prom. I had just time to send her the photos we had taken before she died a week or two after we got home
Wednesday 11 September 2013
5 Friends or Family
Well by the time the flat in Old Town Lane was settled, Mum soon found it pretty lonely. David was a long way from there in Oakham, Leicestershire and no doubt had his own problems so after a lonely Christmas with a bed chair and T.V, she decided to come back to Australia but of course she had sold the house round the corner from us hadn't she? Pickfords (the removalists) said "Don't worry we will just do a turnaround,"so back she came. This may have been the time that David wrote saying, " Mother can not spend the rest of her life in a jumbo jet!" Bob thought it a pity that it did not take six weeks like in colonial times to get from U.K to Australia. "The first settlers couldn't decide they didn't like it "he said. We were all losing patience. Bob wrote that she ought to give it abit longer which did not please her and she took no notice anyway.
I think she was able to house sit a friends place while she was away in Canada and then we found a place to rent in Farrin Street nearby. Of course with all the stress she was putting herself through her Menieres Disaese came with avengence; I would get calls from Myers to come and pick her up.
Anyway she did find a townhouse that she liked and bought this . It was in a group of five and served her well until she could not live on her own any more at the age of 99.
Those years 1980 to 1985 were not particularly easy for me in many ways. On our return from the 1980 trip Bob decided it was time for his mother to move in with us. She was 80 and had had symptons of Alzheimers Disaese since the year when Ian was born in 1975. She had soldiered on in her Broome Street home and it was certainly time for a move, not one that she wanted to make.
So it happened ,we jogged her along saying just stay a weekend ,then a couple of weeks but then took the bull by the horns and moved her furniture into the granny flat that had been purpose built for her. She had a proper kitchen and at first was able to make a cup of tea and we had Meals on Wheels delivered but she did not really grasp the concept that it was an independent unit and really had all her meals with us ,effectively living with us. There were good days and bad days. She was fixated on Bob, asking me a million times a day when he would be home and then of course settled down like a little lamb. It was hard on me and I did get quite depressed.
We had her medically assessed and one drongo doctor said it was just benign forgetfulness. Holidays were difficult . I felt we needed some family time together. Bob had denial in spades. She was at her best with him and could make very pertinent comments. She regularly set off to go home with Pepe the dachshund under her arm . Don would follow after a short interval and guide her round the block and she would recognise home although it was not the home she was hoping to reach. We did get her assessed and we were told that there was a purpose built facility being built so we decided to wait for that.
Bob would take her to watch Fiona's netball but she would not wait in the car if he was too long deciding to walk home. When one morning we got up to find the front door open and her gone we realised we could not cope any longer so she was admitted to the purpose built facility.
Of course like all the others she was intent on getting out but didn't manage because they sedated her with the nasty drug Melleril . "I'm afraid we can't cope" they said. Anyway the problem was solved when she fell and broke her hip and so wasn't mobile any more. She was first transferred to a revolting nursing home but when a vacancy became available at Braemar she was transferred there and had a peaceful couple of years before she died aged 87.
I think she was able to house sit a friends place while she was away in Canada and then we found a place to rent in Farrin Street nearby. Of course with all the stress she was putting herself through her Menieres Disaese came with avengence; I would get calls from Myers to come and pick her up.
Anyway she did find a townhouse that she liked and bought this . It was in a group of five and served her well until she could not live on her own any more at the age of 99.
Those years 1980 to 1985 were not particularly easy for me in many ways. On our return from the 1980 trip Bob decided it was time for his mother to move in with us. She was 80 and had had symptons of Alzheimers Disaese since the year when Ian was born in 1975. She had soldiered on in her Broome Street home and it was certainly time for a move, not one that she wanted to make.
So it happened ,we jogged her along saying just stay a weekend ,then a couple of weeks but then took the bull by the horns and moved her furniture into the granny flat that had been purpose built for her. She had a proper kitchen and at first was able to make a cup of tea and we had Meals on Wheels delivered but she did not really grasp the concept that it was an independent unit and really had all her meals with us ,effectively living with us. There were good days and bad days. She was fixated on Bob, asking me a million times a day when he would be home and then of course settled down like a little lamb. It was hard on me and I did get quite depressed.
We had her medically assessed and one drongo doctor said it was just benign forgetfulness. Holidays were difficult . I felt we needed some family time together. Bob had denial in spades. She was at her best with him and could make very pertinent comments. She regularly set off to go home with Pepe the dachshund under her arm . Don would follow after a short interval and guide her round the block and she would recognise home although it was not the home she was hoping to reach. We did get her assessed and we were told that there was a purpose built facility being built so we decided to wait for that.
Bob would take her to watch Fiona's netball but she would not wait in the car if he was too long deciding to walk home. When one morning we got up to find the front door open and her gone we realised we could not cope any longer so she was admitted to the purpose built facility.
Of course like all the others she was intent on getting out but didn't manage because they sedated her with the nasty drug Melleril . "I'm afraid we can't cope" they said. Anyway the problem was solved when she fell and broke her hip and so wasn't mobile any more. She was first transferred to a revolting nursing home but when a vacancy became available at Braemar she was transferred there and had a peaceful couple of years before she died aged 87.
Monday 9 September 2013
4.Selling up Again
Well after a lot of correspondence back and forth Mum decided she wanted to go back to England where all her friends where. I know Uncle David advised her against selling her house.
About this time the incident with the wall occurred. Mum had built a nice wall between the back and front garden with an arch and nice gate.
The People who owned the plot 12 Warragoon Crescent had put it on the market. He had had a stroke and they wanted to sell the block. After having it surveyed they found that Mum had encroached on their block when building her nice feature wall between the front and back garden and she would have to knock down the wall. Well instead of asking nicely they were very aggressive aided by the real estate agent. The wife of the couple came round to me very abusive saying that all I would be interested in was collecting life insurance if anything happened to Ian.To make it worse they were members of Bicton church. Bruce Fraser did eventually get her to apologise but It was something we did not need. Olwen did not need much to make her decide not to stay in Australia and return to England yet again!
We eventually moved on getting the wall rebuilt on the correct boundary but it is ironic that in fact Ian did die un expectedly when he was 35. Did she have the gift of seeing the future that in fact Ian was going to die and the family did benefit from a life insurance policy but of course it was not all we were interested in. It was very upsetting at the time and a very nasty thing to say.
Anyway Mum sold up anyway to return to England yet again.There was nothing I could do to stop her. It was then I discovered that one of her manipulative ploys was saying that someone had told her that is what she ought to do, someone whose opinion she thought I would value. Usually they had not said anything of the sort. In this case she said her brother David thought she ought to go back to England. He did not. So off she went back to England again, selling the house to the first offer she got .Anyway off she set getting lodging with a lady called Bertha in Freshfield road and bought a flat in Old Town Lane. Her furniture was on its way she had a bed a chair and a T.V. and this is how she spent Christmas.
1980 was the year of our 15 year reunion and I was very keen to go. Bob had established his orthopaedic practice which was going quite well but he needed someone to hold it together. Our friends had done a practice exchange in Canada which seemed to work quite well so we attempted to do it too and we made contact with an orthopaedic surgeon from Scarborough. We gave him accommodation in our granny flat but first he blotted his copy book by making a pass at our friends wife which did not go down well and then he got gastroenteritis but also we realised he was an alcoholic.
So we had to hastily despatch him back to England and Bob had to make arrangements for his patients, if they had any problems to go back to their general practioners as he was not in a group of surgeons and did not have a partner.Anyway we managed to accomplish all that and in September got on a plane to Athens for a stop over on the way to England.
We had a couple of nights in Athens climbing up to the Parthenon on a boiling hot day and then embarked on a four day coach tour of classical Greece. Well the children were VERY good despite Don dropping his camera into the Corinth Springs and nearly getting on the wrong tour bus. Ian nearly drowned in the hotel pool at Nafplion and also left his beloved bag of cars on the ferry over at Pattraikos. Bob and I took it in turns to visit the points of interest and I certainly remember it as being fun but then I am prepared to put up with little setbacks in the pursuit of travel!
We had been told by our travel agents that it was easy to get a cheap flight to London from Athens. Well it wasn't! However Bob managed it I,m not quite sure how and I can't remember which airline it was, but I do know the plane felt very old and was on its way to London from Africa and most of the occupants were black. There were no seats together and we were scattered throughout the plane. I thought our end had come. It has to go down as my worse travel experiences and Bob was not too popular! Our children aged from 5 to 12 all coped admirably.
However we made it to London safely and picked up our camper van at Heathrow and set off, first stop Cambridge where we awoke to the early morning bird song. Then on to Sherwood Forest before visiting George and Rhiannon and quite a few of their grandchildren and then up to Edinburgh. Although the reunion was my main reason for going I do not remember much about it other than we camped in Lucilles drive and visited Rab Milnes lovely house and garden nearby. I was very anxious to show off my Aussie husband and children.
I think Amanda, Bob's niece joined us in Edinburgh, seven in a camper van was abit of a squash.Then it was off to Fort William where it absolutely poured, after all it does have the highest rainfall in U.K. We actually camped in mud but then we set off for my beloved Skye and had a magical view of the Cuillins as the sun came out. Then down to the Lake District and then to a caravan park at Formby point,very windy I remember . On our visit to Pleasureland at Southport Don ran off to play the machines with Ian following, only problem was Don did not know that Ian was following with the result that Ian got lost and ended in the lost property office like Paddington bear!
At Formby we must have picked up Mum to go to Wales so now we were eight. First night was Conway. Mum checked into the local trust house and we camped.Then on to Festiniog for a train ride which Mum did not want to do. (she'd done it all before)! Anyway at Aberystwyth I think we parted company with Amanda and Mum who stayed at Machynlleth to see Vera. We then went on to Dover, a hovercraft ride to France and then Winchester where we had a nice swim in the local pool and lost Bob in the Cathedral. Then we visited Doug and Libby at Dorset and found them in the midst of all sorts of family problems as well. That is what you realise as you get older problems of one kind or another are universal.
Well as you would have realised we had fitted a huge amount in so we were ready to get home but not before we had camped at a wild life park at Windsor where monkeys climbed all over the van. Was it worth it? I will never know! It was for me, to introduce my family to my beloved England. I wonder how much they have remembered and if they thought it was worth it.
Thursday 21 March 2013
3 Anger
Often when bereaved or faced with a terminal diagnosis anger erupts. Often you are quite angry with something of no consequence,the real anger underneath erupting.Well mum vented her anger at the Pioneer.
The Pioneer Life Assurance company was where my Dad had spent the whole of his lifetime working. It was situated in a fine Victorian building in Dale Street, Liverpool, with an impressive entrance hall in marble. He returned from Glasgow in 1944 having qualified as an actuary and was employed as the companies actuary and later assistant manager and then general manager. In the early seventies it was taken over by a bigger company called The Vehicle and General. Then as now, big companies were always on the lookout to take over profitable smaller companies with a view to making their books look better.
Well Pioneer weathered the onslaught of this company which of course went broke having made money for some people and lost it for others but thanks to Dad they had not been able to get their hands of the funds he held for his pensioners, so the Pioneer went on trading but then along came another entrepreneur by the name of Jim Slater. He was considered a whizz kid of the seventies, but again Dad held the company together and it was still intact when Jim Slater was found wanting. But JimSlater had installed his own man as a managing director, apparently a man whom Mum obsessively disliked. However about this time in 1974 mum was thinking that they should make plans to retire to Australia so this they did and bought a unit in Labouchere Road in South Perth. Dad had plans of doing some part time work and apparently Dad deferred some of his payout to save tax. Well subsequently he got the request to go back to Liverpool to arrange a merger of three smaller insurance companies the Pioneer, the Blackburn and Merchantile Mutual I think. Now I think Dads idea had been to spend six months in Australia and Six months in U.k. He loved England and all his family connections. But Mum always liked her own way and by this time was disillusioned with Australia so they sold up quickly and returned and built a new house in Freshfield Road across the road from where they had used to live. I visited them there with Don and Ian in 1977 I would say. Dad was happy doing his work on the mutualisation of the three insurance companies and Mum enjoyed building a new bungalow in Formby.
However she did not remain happy with it for long. By 1978 Mum had decided Australia was where she wanted to be so another house sale and I purchased on their behalf 14 Warragoon Crescent around the corner from us so Dad finally retired again having put through the merger.He had still deferred some of his payments in a bid to save tax. Well they were settling into life in Attadale again when Dad had his fatal heart attack on Christmas Eve 1978
After initially looking very sick he perked up bit and he did tell us he had been having nightmares about the deferred amount of pension in The Pioneer account so it was worrying him. Well when he died Mum leapt into action to try and retrieve this amount which really died with him. I believe it was about eight thousand pounds.She wrote letters to The Pioneer, and to her brother David in Shropshire.George Dads brother had been given a position on the board of The Pioneer at Dads suggestion so he knew all that was going on."Try and get your mother to stop writing letters to the board bordering on the libellous " he wrote. Well I Had no chance of that but I suppose after some time things settled down.
Now thirty years later Mum has continued to receive a fantastic pension courtesy of the Pioneer indexed to cost of living. The state pension has not been so generous, the British government deciding that as she was going to Australia it would remain at the level it was when she left. Had she gone to Spain say, she would have got the normal raises as did all her peers in England. However she has been well looked after and should have no complaints.
The Pioneer Life Assurance company was where my Dad had spent the whole of his lifetime working. It was situated in a fine Victorian building in Dale Street, Liverpool, with an impressive entrance hall in marble. He returned from Glasgow in 1944 having qualified as an actuary and was employed as the companies actuary and later assistant manager and then general manager. In the early seventies it was taken over by a bigger company called The Vehicle and General. Then as now, big companies were always on the lookout to take over profitable smaller companies with a view to making their books look better.
Well Pioneer weathered the onslaught of this company which of course went broke having made money for some people and lost it for others but thanks to Dad they had not been able to get their hands of the funds he held for his pensioners, so the Pioneer went on trading but then along came another entrepreneur by the name of Jim Slater. He was considered a whizz kid of the seventies, but again Dad held the company together and it was still intact when Jim Slater was found wanting. But JimSlater had installed his own man as a managing director, apparently a man whom Mum obsessively disliked. However about this time in 1974 mum was thinking that they should make plans to retire to Australia so this they did and bought a unit in Labouchere Road in South Perth. Dad had plans of doing some part time work and apparently Dad deferred some of his payout to save tax. Well subsequently he got the request to go back to Liverpool to arrange a merger of three smaller insurance companies the Pioneer, the Blackburn and Merchantile Mutual I think. Now I think Dads idea had been to spend six months in Australia and Six months in U.k. He loved England and all his family connections. But Mum always liked her own way and by this time was disillusioned with Australia so they sold up quickly and returned and built a new house in Freshfield Road across the road from where they had used to live. I visited them there with Don and Ian in 1977 I would say. Dad was happy doing his work on the mutualisation of the three insurance companies and Mum enjoyed building a new bungalow in Formby.
However she did not remain happy with it for long. By 1978 Mum had decided Australia was where she wanted to be so another house sale and I purchased on their behalf 14 Warragoon Crescent around the corner from us so Dad finally retired again having put through the merger.He had still deferred some of his payments in a bid to save tax. Well they were settling into life in Attadale again when Dad had his fatal heart attack on Christmas Eve 1978
After initially looking very sick he perked up bit and he did tell us he had been having nightmares about the deferred amount of pension in The Pioneer account so it was worrying him. Well when he died Mum leapt into action to try and retrieve this amount which really died with him. I believe it was about eight thousand pounds.She wrote letters to The Pioneer, and to her brother David in Shropshire.George Dads brother had been given a position on the board of The Pioneer at Dads suggestion so he knew all that was going on."Try and get your mother to stop writing letters to the board bordering on the libellous " he wrote. Well I Had no chance of that but I suppose after some time things settled down.
Now thirty years later Mum has continued to receive a fantastic pension courtesy of the Pioneer indexed to cost of living. The state pension has not been so generous, the British government deciding that as she was going to Australia it would remain at the level it was when she left. Had she gone to Spain say, she would have got the normal raises as did all her peers in England. However she has been well looked after and should have no complaints.
Tuesday 12 March 2013
2. The funeral
I was not yet forty although pretty close to it and this was my first experience of bereavement. True I had lost two peers at school but I was at a distance from that.Anyway Bob stepped up and arranged the funeral director and minister. The first mistake I made was thinking the children were too young to attend,not that they would have got anything out of the service as it was. It was taken by our local minister and don't get me wrong I liked him alot as a person but he was a theologian and the service consisted of bible readings that I can't even remember. Mum was in tears to such a degree that she had a nose bleed so I spent time finding her a hankie etc. Bob was also in tears because he had a flashback to his fathers funeral no doubt because he was in a haze of shock at the time of his fathers death having only just graduated when his father had died.The only other person at the funeral was Neil who had been involved since the night of my fathers fatal heart attack on Christmas Eve.
Mum and I had spent that in emergency until Dad was admitted to the coronary unit. Of course we had visited the next day Christmas Day after I had done dinner for the family only to be told not to stay long as he was very sick. Well we could see that but it was quite wrong that my mother was not encouraged to stay with him. Anyway Dad made reasonable progress and was under a good cardiologist but no one warned us that he had a tachycardia that was not a good prognostic sign and ten days later he had a cardiac arrest.So it was a big shock for us all but especially Mum.
Anyway back to the funeral. It was not a life affirming service honouring his life and he certainly did not get the obituary he deserved in The Liverpool Echo or the Daily Post. He had been a respected member of the Insurance and Business community in Liverpool. Other regrets , of course I regret that I never told him how much I loved him and how grateful I was for all he had done for me. It was always Dad who gave me support in the inevitable disagreements that I had usually with my mother.
We got some lovely letters and expressions of sympathy and I certainly learnt the importance of sending these.Out of them all I will quote the one from Margaret my cousin, (Fred's daughter). She wrote"My memories are full of warmth when I think of him: he was always kind,considerate,gentle without any malice.Our last meeting at Peters wedding last summer was typical in this respect,he was sensitive,thoughtful and encouraging, when talking about my work and future and about life in general. I am glad that this meeting remains vividly with me.I shall always cherish it as a memory of a generous,good man"
Mum and I had spent that in emergency until Dad was admitted to the coronary unit. Of course we had visited the next day Christmas Day after I had done dinner for the family only to be told not to stay long as he was very sick. Well we could see that but it was quite wrong that my mother was not encouraged to stay with him. Anyway Dad made reasonable progress and was under a good cardiologist but no one warned us that he had a tachycardia that was not a good prognostic sign and ten days later he had a cardiac arrest.So it was a big shock for us all but especially Mum.
Anyway back to the funeral. It was not a life affirming service honouring his life and he certainly did not get the obituary he deserved in The Liverpool Echo or the Daily Post. He had been a respected member of the Insurance and Business community in Liverpool. Other regrets , of course I regret that I never told him how much I loved him and how grateful I was for all he had done for me. It was always Dad who gave me support in the inevitable disagreements that I had usually with my mother.
We got some lovely letters and expressions of sympathy and I certainly learnt the importance of sending these.Out of them all I will quote the one from Margaret my cousin, (Fred's daughter). She wrote"My memories are full of warmth when I think of him: he was always kind,considerate,gentle without any malice.Our last meeting at Peters wedding last summer was typical in this respect,he was sensitive,thoughtful and encouraging, when talking about my work and future and about life in general. I am glad that this meeting remains vividly with me.I shall always cherish it as a memory of a generous,good man"
Sunday 10 March 2013
1. The story begins
It is 12 mths since this story begins, no that is not quite right. It is closer to 33 years since my father died on January 10th 1979 and from then onwards I have been chief carer and support to my mother. It has not been an easy road. I do believe that Dads main reason for relocating to Australia was because he realised his health was failing and that I would do the better job as carer in any case it was and is probably still thought of as the daughters job.But I'm sure Dad never expected me to be doing it 30 plus years later.
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